Fascinating Epiphany

Sunday, August 16, 2009 at 12:08pm

Most of my life, I have been pretty reserved and withdrawn. I was hesitant to really let anybody in (barring a very select few), preferring instead to remain "mysterious." I figured, if anybody really thought I was worth the effort, they would be "worthy" of me, because they cared enough about me to really try to find out who I am. Sounds arrogant, but actually it's rooted in the fear of not being accepted. Or maybe the fear of BEING accepted. Who knows. Anyway, some would say that by distancing myself, even to the point of pushing people away, I have "robbed" many people of the privilege of getting to know me. (One of you even intimated this to me when you signed my copy of our high school yearbook. You were SO nice about it, and I wish I had heeded your input at the time.) Regardless, I have never subscribed to this philosophy - often bewildered to hear that some people actually enjoy my company. (What was that line Groucho said about club membership? Google it.) At the same time, I have also been berated for "wearing my heart on my sleeve." I was advised that it demonstrates a lack of wisdom to reveal too much.* Even "advertise" it. (By definition, designed to generate revenue, right? How's that workin'?) To me, it makes sense that the "mistake" I make in giving away too many personal details thereby providing outsiders with "ammunition" is in actuality doing everybody a favor. Full disclosure. Honesty. There's a novel idea. How can I be honest with anybody when I've never been honest with myself?

I don't put anything out there to get people to like me, or to get people NOT to like me. I put it out there because it IS me. After that, it's out of my hands. Better that way.

On many occasions, I've considered axing this Facebook page, for a variety of reasons. (I realize it's up to me which of those reasons I choose to divulge, if any.) Bottom line is, there is a reason you are here. I appreciate each and every one of you. I've had people add me for what seemed to me to be for the express purpose of "keeping tabs" on me. Others patently ignore me, but refuse to de-friend me (must be a "nettiquette" thing) - more than one of which have lamented losing me as a Facebook friend, re-added me, and STILL ignore me - figure that one out.) Whatever the situation is, you are all precious to me.

And as a member of this elite group (removing tongue from cheek) the chances are extremely high that you would be unable to ascertain that fact based on my behavior, or lack thereof, towards you. Rest assured, you are not alone. And that is why I am telling this to you right now.

I CAN attribute this to the aforementioned character traits to which I alluded in the first line of this note. But what it really comes down to is my own personal responsibility. Just so you know, I am aware of this.

Thanks for reading.
Thanks for allowing me to be your Facebook friend (at the moment, the only kind I know how to be. Baby steps.)



* = "It is better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt."
Variously attributed to Lincoln, Elbert Hubbard, Mark Twain, Benjamin Franklin and Socrates