Son Of Epiphany

Sunday, August 23, 2009 at 8:49pm

I learned something about myself today. It may have a little to do with why I felt like I needed to take a break from Orange County for a while.

Shame has been a pretty common theme running through my life. I've internalized it from a pretty young age. It seemed there was always a reason for me to be ashamed of who I was, or the things that I thought made me "Me." And it was never anything that was actually bad enough to be ashamed about. Always the trivial things. My tastes in clothes, music, movies, personal appearance, etc. I would get disproportionately offended if somebody expressed distaste (let alone disdain) for something I really enjoyed. I took it to mean there was something wrong with me for being drawn to that particular "thing" - whatever it was. But a weird thing happened.

Strangely, I ended up gravitating toward people who shall we say "expressed strong views" about those types of things. They always had an opinion, and they always let it be known. "that band sucks...cankles...cigarette holder...you're a chubby chaser...trailer trash...how can you LIKE that movie?...her forehead's too high...her torso's too long..." and on and on. And for some strange reason, these were the people I tried the hardest to please. (Maybe I figured because they had such "high standards", that was something to aspire to.) I wanted to be accepted by these people, so I didn't speak out about it. Instead, I rationalized it by convincing myself that it wasn't my job to stand in judgment of anyone - which is true. We all have our own issues to deal with. But, silence implies agreement. In failing to stick up for others, I lost a great deal of character and integrity. And that was something to REALLY be ashamed of.

So, when I left Orange County, I was blaming it on the geographical area. (By then, I had gotten pretty damn good at redirecting blame.) But the main "bad thing" about Orange County is the way it made ME feel. The worse I felt about myself, the more bad decisions I made, which made me feel worse about myself, and the cycle continues. Before too long, I dug myself into such a deep hole, that I thought it was impossible to dig myself out. I just had to get away. Where nobody knew me. (Never mind that it's impossisible to escape one's self.)

I knew less than a handful of people in Indiana, and I knew they all loved me no matter what. Now mind you, they never hesitated to call me on it if I ever crossed the line, but that was exactly what I needed. I didn't need people "tiptoeing" around my feelings, and walking on eggshells around me because I was so "fragile." But at the same time, I didn't need to be around people who had me constantly second guessing myself. Not that there are all THAT MANY people who I have allowed to have that effect on me, but they were the ones whose opinions I held in highest regard, so that's what was devastating. I feel much better now focusing on the huge number of people out there who genuinely care about me. The sad part is, they are the ones who I've neglected the most, to include any and all blood relatives. But no more! Now I can return to California a stronger person because I have made the change.

The difference is, rather than trying to change to please a small, but loud minority, which is impossible, all the while I had the capability to figure out who I really am, and embrace that. There is more to me than merely the culmination of every mistake I ever made. It's ok for me to feel regret for my poor choices, yet still feel ok abut myself as a person. But that acceptance had to come from within, because my opinion is the one that matters most. To me. And feeling good about myself inspires me to do the right thing, which makes me feel better about myself. And THAT's the kinda cycle I want to perpetuate.