There is no such thing as "just this once."

Thursday, August 27, 2009 at 5:58pm

Some might choose to write this off as psychobabble. Well, maybe. But at least it's my psychobabble. It works for ME. I probably picked it up from some outside source along my journey, but it's part of me now. (There are still some who deem me incapable of original thought, and assume that any philosophy that I may "spew" must have been "fed" to me by someone looking out for their own interest. This is very observant of them, but fortunately is no longer the case - a VERY, VERY recent development.) Please, allow me to elaborate.

There is no such thing as "just this once." All I mean by that, is that I've found that it doesn't work for me to cut myself any slack, about anything. If I let myself get away with it, "just this once," it automatically turns into "well, since I already fell off the wagon, I might as well just stay off." It doesn't even have to be anything monumentally catastrophic. It can be as simple as, "I know I'm sick of lookin' at my own protruding gut, but I really feel like a pint of Haagen Dazs tonight. Just one won't be that big a deal." And before too long, I NEED a pint of Haagen Dazs before bed every night. Or, if I know it's wrong to litter and/or I don't like looking at it, there's no way I can justify littering "just this once" regardless of whatever degree of inconvenience is caused by having to carry around that little "whatever-it-is" until I happen to find a trash can. Same goes for keeping the house tidy (WHICH I SUCK AT!) If I let myself leave my jeans on the floor because the hamper is in the opposite direction of where I'm headed, before too long, I'll have to look forward to devoting some time to collecting up all the dirty clothes before I can put in a load of laundry. Carry that over to just about any situation you can think of. (I'll leave it up to your imagination.) If there's something I don't want to do and/or I know I shouldn't do, by giving myself permission to go against my own standard "just this once," I'm only making it difficult on myself to uphold that standard in the future.

I'm not saying I have to be a slave to it under any circumstances. It just helps me to know my own tendencies.

For those of you who may be thinking, "Well, that's just common sense! It's ALL common sense." Let me tell you, I've demonstrated some deficiency in "common sense" in the past, present, and possibly in the future (although I sincerely hope not.) So, just leave me to my "personal victory" celebration and go on about your own blameless lives. ;)

As you were.


---TWO! TWO! TWO NOTES IN ONE!!!---


A recent celebrity obituary has inspired me to try to work out what I'm going to say to my sons Isaac and Jason this weekend - when I see them for the first time since the beginning of April.

For those who don't know the back story (which may well be EVERYONE,) I've come to the point in my healing process where I desperately want to be a positive presence in my kids' lives. For a pretty significant period of time, I was unable to genuinely be that, and trying to fake it was beginning to destroy me. And so, I rationalized that until I could "get it together," a season of non-presence was better than a constant destructive presence that I was at a loss as to how to reverse. Whether or not that was the right decision remains to be seen, but I know now that I'm strong enough to start dealing with the aftermath, and am optimistic about eventual restoration.

However, I still need a little more time to get back on my feet, so I'm moving back in with my parents. I've made HUGE, SIGNIFICANT progress, but the fact remains that I'm still unemployed. So, moving back to California puts me closer to the kids geographically. Staying with my parents, in addition to the benefit of having the opportunity to work through some issues I ran away from about 20 years ago, will also help just a bit financially. I don't intend to freeload. However, if you're fortunate enough to have them in your life (providing that their presence is not harmful) your parents should be the first ones you ask for help when you need it, (NOT the last friend in your life who you have yet to alienate) and the first ones who agree to help you. Truth is, though, if I had decided back in February to move in with my parents instead of trekking all the way to Indiana, I WOULD have been freeloading - which would have made me feel even crappier about myself, and perpetuated the dysfunctional downward spiral. That is to an extent, what happened with my brother, and was in the process of happening with my best friend Jeff. Luckily, it ended up working out perfectly in spite of me, and was exactly what I needed. The friendship is even still intact, miracle of miracles!!

Now that we're all up to date, This aforementioned recently deceased person has undoubtedly endured more pain that I could ever lay claim to (or take the blame for.) And yet, he reported that he left this world with only one regret -- his failed marriage to his wife, Lenny, who died in 1997. The couple divorced in 1965 but remained close.

"I loved that marriage," he said. "Lenny was the love of my life. And yet I ruined it. I wasn't formed yet. The regret is that I hurt her."

I can DEFINITELY relate.

So, here's what I've got. Of course, it will be "on the fly," but it always helps me to organize my thoughts beforehand to make sure important things don't get left out. (Some people are annoyed by this imperfection of mine - saying I come across as contrived and manipulative - which is sad that they choose to look at it that way, but it is their own issue to deal with.)

Dear Isaac and Jason,

I am really looking forward to finally being able to hug you again and spend some time with you when I move back to California. After speaking with Isaac the other day, I know you want me to move back into the house, and I would like that too. But, for now, this is something that Mommy is not comfortable with. If and when the time comes for me to come back home, is up to your Mommy to decide.*

For almost a year now, Mommy has been protecting you because she didn't know for sure if she and you guys would be safe, so rather than take any chances, this is the way things had to be, for a while. I haven't done anything at any time, to anyone, that was dangerous or harmful (physically) but there are some things that have happened between Daddy and Mommy that may take some time to finish healing. So, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don't be mad at Mommy. She's not to blame! She was just keeping you safe, from issues, thoughts and behaviors that Daddy was working through. It's all because of things that *I* did (or failed to do.)

I'm really, really sorry, and I'm better now, but please have some patience with Mommy, ok? She's really hurting, and could really use a few extra hugs and cuddles. I know you guys are really good at that!

I love you. and I'm glad I get to see you!

Love, Daddy


















* = and if not, then I'm prepared for that, and I accept it. But it will have to be her choice. I created that consequence.